I guess a guinea pig. My brother and I both had them. They squeal and are actually really cuddly. But then Bill started getting it on with Kelly, ALL THE TIME and she had so many babies we didnt know what to do with them. Poor Kelly, she died giving birth to her last litter. And so I kept Misty, the only little one that looked like her mom, crazy all-over hair. But then Bill started chewing away at Misty. He was so abusive to his daughter! He would bite her and she had bald spots. It was time to separate them. Anyway, she lived the rest of her life in agony, fearing that Bill, who was caged above her, would swoop down for the kill in the middle of the night, The bastard outlived her.

Reticulated Python.  They make great pets - everyone should get one.